Being nice: religion, karma and I

A personal note filled with very personal thoughts… I usually do not share those.

Someone asked me a while ago why I am so nice with people who are not nice to me. I smiled as I recalled having several persons asking me, during the past year, that exact same question. Some assuming I was too religious to fight back (style: من ضربك على خدك الايمن در له الايسر), others that I had a weak personality, and few that I was scared of replying and then having Karma hitting me back.

It was none of those… religion, karma, personality… nothing matters when it comes to matters of dealing with people in different aspects of life.  Whether it was a family, friendship or business related issue, I can never hold hatred.

But the question remaining to be answered would be “why”. Why was I being able to tolerate wrong and not fight back, why was I be able to forgive an ex-boyfriend who cheated on the spot, a colleague who backstabbed without telling it out, a friend who babbled without taking distance, a person who threw a whole load of anger on me without blocking back…

While I am not here to talk about myself and tell people what to do and how to act, I can however explain how I personally think and why I do not “fight back”.

When I reached my 25th birthday, I felt the down impact of age that most would feel at 30… I had survived a quarter of a century. That for me was a bigger number than 30 or 40 will ever be. I had back then too much negativity going on in my life to the extent that I enjoyed nothing. I was always smiling, but never happy. I drew people I badly cared about back then away due to my lack of interest, constant nag and miserable attitude. Soon and before I realized it, I was alone and even more unhappy. They say people who care about you will stick around… they probably will for a while, but sooner or later, when you affect them negatively, they pack and leave.

Paying high the price of my age burden (at 25, it was not acceptable!) I turned to reading and focused on some self-help books and articles. Surprisingly they were fun to read and nourished my thirst for psychology. It felt good. Slowly, I started going out again, meeting new people, building new friendships. I even enjoyed being a mother more and started seeing things from a whole new direction. It was probably due to the fact that I had spent a long time on your own and paid high the price of loneliness.

That price didn’t make me however lower my standards and expectations of relationships; like everyone out there, I wanted my friends to be as nice and supportive as I was with them, I wanted my colleagues to be cooperative, my companion to be as faithful and committed as I was, etc…

But things were never perfect simply because life is not perfect. And I was back to feeling negative again!

This time, I decided I did not want to let anyone go. Not because I cannot survive alone, I can.  Everyone can survive alone. But I did not want to let anyone go because I cared too much about those around me (and those around me today, in my inner circle, know for a fact that no matter what I will always be there). I did not want to let go because I was not perfect myself, why would I expect them to be?

What started as a simple decision fast turned into a life changing experience. I was happier. Less negative. I still nag a lot but I also tolerate nagging and am a more supportive person. It might be out of the fact that at a certain time of my life I lacked support and an ear to listen to me, so I learned how hard it was to be alone. I also learned forgiveness. Not because my religion, other religions or ethics say so. I learned forgiveness because everyone around me is good if the right buttons are good and bad if the bad buttons are pushed. And mistakes? Who doesn’t make them? I learned to forgive and forget without even holding hate or arguing about them.

Some think I might be weak, running away from facing the problems or too weak to handle an argument. To those, I speak out for the first time in years: I am a little monster if I decide to argue but I choose not to. Silence is harder. Forgiveness is harder. Smiling and forgetting is an art. And life is too short not to mention such arts.

So next time something happens, think again before you judge my personality. Sometimes I simply let go of a situation because I care too much about a person to let him go. And sometimes, keeping someone close is worth a lot more than picking a silly argument.

Plus, I’m almost 32 now… am I not too old for arguments?

 

23 of the things I live by...

The 23 things listed below reflect a personal opinion of the things I live by, without any disrespect for the opinion of anyone out there or around me...

1. The people you hang out with, the activities you do and the places you go to regularly say a lot about you;

2. "arguile" might be fun when occasional on a Sunday afternoon or a boring evening, but it is far from being classy. Just like smoking cigarettes (that's especially for the ladies!);

3. Every rule has its exception and a man smoking a cigar makes an exception to number 2 above!

4. Being classy has nothing to do with the brands you wear, the phone you carry, the langugage you speak or the car you drive. It's all about the attitude and the respect you show to others;

5. The type of music you listen to can define you in society;

6. If you don't hold a book (any book) and read, I highly believe you lack ambition of knowledge;

7. Education and knowledge have nothing to do with your degrees. They are proportional to the follow-up you do on yourself;

8. You don't have to know everything but you should always be eager to learn more;

9. Google can save a life. It definitely is my best friend!

10. If you can't handle an argument without screaming, shouting, cursing, cutting a phone call or blocking a chatting conversation, then you still have got a long (very long) way to walk;

11. No one is always right. Even when you hold a proof to win an argument, you should know to admit that from the other person's perspective you might not be 100% right. Always try to walk in your opponent's shoes;

12. Sometimes the people who marked your past will be your future's biggest support. Don't block anyone out;

13. A mistake is still a lesson;

14. It's 2015, if you don't live and eat clean, I will judge you. If you're too lazy to exercise because you are thin, I will tell you to get some education about health. Exercising is not only for the shape, it's for the health. Live with it!

15. First impression does count, make sure you always look good. No, I'm not being superficial or blonde but let's face it: not you, not I, and not your neighbor will take someone wearing PJ like cloths and ruined shoes seriously enough to listen and disxover the Einstein hidden behind his thoughts. Dress not to impress but at least to be respected;

16. Some fake things can go skipped (never unseen). Perfume is NOT on that list;

17. Enjoying has no age. Go out, club, dance till dawn, play in the nature, sing a silly song and race your kids to the playground;

18. To your kids, you'll look silly no matter what you do, just like your parents looked silly to you when you were younger. Ignore their comments and act silly anyway, they'll remember those memories when they grow older;

19. It's never too late to have a bucket list. Create one for each month, season and year. And another one for your lifetime. And keep it growing!

20. Getting drunk is not fun. Nausea, throw-ups, migraines, fat cravings are nothing to look forward for. Invest in a glass of fine wine or bourbon and enjoy;

21. Friendships have nothing to do with the timeframe and length of the relationship. Neither how many times you see each other or how long you spend time together. Friendship just happens. Cherish it, it's rare!

22. Judging others is okay. You have the right to define the circle of the people that surround you because they are a total reflection of yourself. But while doing that don't forget:
a. You are not better than those you define out of your circle;
b. Some old friends may never fit in but they are the most faithful people you'll ever find. Keep a place for them;

23. You are not better than anyone. Be whomever you want to be. But respect others as they are, with their differences and their mistakes, in order for them to accept you with yours.

Relationships are made to be worked on, they don’t just happen!

It’s been a long while I didn’t blog. I stopped, for no reason other than not having time between my job, my gym and my own personal writings.

And during that time, every little break I had and during which I thought of blogging, I thought it would be unfair because blogging means dedication, time, research and commitment. And I lacked time for commitment.

This morning a friend came to me to tell me she wanted out of her marriage and was filing for divorce; her reasons were quite simple: I do not think he’s into me any longer.

Being divorced myself, I don’t know why people believe I will be fully supportive of the divorce idea! Just like a girl with tattoos would be supportive of getting inked, or one with blue hair would be supportive of coloring your head in whatever color you would see fit!

And so, like a good friend, I picked up the phone and spent a good 15 minutes trying to reason the lady on the other side about her decision, reminding her that marriage is not an easy commitment and that divorce is not always a solution.

And it hit me! We live in a world where relationships and marriages are more and more becoming an issue of convenience rather that an act of sharing. People stopped investing in emotions. Everyone is busy around the clock, holding double jobs, if not three.

Guys don’t take girls on one-on-one dinner dates anymore; they are more like: “I like you, let’s go for drinks with the gang!” or “I think we should spend some quality time together, how about a movie tonight?”  They don’t write letters and buy flowers because “that’s not their style!” as if courtesy had style! And the cherry on the top would be if their girl dared to asked them about their whereabouts on a Saturday evening… what a clingy little kid they are dating, they should definitely plan break-up! (plan it, yes! because from what my guy friends confide to me, break-up is a full strategy plotted to transform a “normal” relationship to a “must-break-up” one, at most times).

Enjoying and laughing yourself out ladies? You are no better! And today’s call was just the proof of it!

Being a girl, I can’t really attack my “fellows” when they go and overanalyze their partner’s behavior; they are not spending enough real quality time with them (well maybe only in bed), they stay silent not to become clingy, they don’t ask for date nights not to become dreamy and God forbid, never ever say they like flowers not to be pulled back to reality and called Disney princesses. 

After all, it is dreamy for a lady to ask her man to take her for dinner, every once in a blue moon, to bond, isn’t it?

As I get ready to publish and post, I pick my phone up once again and call my friend to suggest the following: “How about you pick the phone up, book for a sushi dinner “en tête-à-tête” tonight, consume a good bottle of wine, walk around hand in hand and cuddle when back home? This does not involve nagging or pushing, it’s you taking the love of your life out for a casual evening. Plus, it will make you feel a lot better and you’ll run away from your silly divorce idea… maybe also he’ll get the hint of you wanting to feel wanted and next time, he’ll suggest such evenings himself.”  And the chocking part was her answer: “Do you want me to show I’m emotional and needy?”

I hung up.

Bouche bée. 

Not being able to utter one single letter anymore.

Hell yes! I want you  to show you're emotional amd needy if that is what we call, nowadays, wanting to spend some nice quality time to save your relationship. Hell yes! Yes and a million times yes! Show you are needy.

Relationships are made to be worked on, they don’t just happen!

Next year, I'm turning 30

I remember my first bicycle and my first Barbie doll. I remember my first Asterix book and how I drew a wall poster out of its cover (and it looked perfect!). I remember the first 500 pieces puzzle I finished when I was just 8, and the first 200 pages book I read in just a week at the same age.

I remember fighting with my parents as I was growing old, telling them that "soon I will be old enough to listen to no one".


I remember my sweet sixteen, my first kiss and my first heartbreak. I remember thinking that I wasn't capable to love after it but then learning that no heart is ever broken and that love is a state of mind not heart.

I remember the first day at university when I met a couple of people who became the closest to my heart, people I don't see often but learned that I can lean on while miles apart. I remember all those lessons on friendship and that true friends are not whom you have known longer nor supported most. True friends are not even those who support you most neither. True friends are those who work silently, like your guardian angels, to see you happy day after day.

And I grew old...

I remember that, as years passed by, I learned to look every single morning in the mirror searching for a first wrinkle and a first white hair (and I thank God I don't have any yet!).


I remember fearing turning 30 since I was only 18... THIRTY! The big number... The big life changing year... The thirties...

And as the clock ticks, the months pass and the time approaches, I learned having a whole new positive attitude about my thirties:

I grew up, not old. I learned. I matured. The little girl in me turned into a lady. I learned that the wrinkles are too scared to appear on my face. And that no matter what scary load the number holds for everyone, when I turn thirty, I will be the youngest among all the thirty-something people!

That sound...

It’s night. It’s cold. It’s late. I have work tomorrow and it’s time to get some sleep. I go to bed. Exhausted, I expect myself to sleep. I close my eyes. And wait. I keep waiting for the sleep to come. I wait, and wait, and wait. It doesn’t. Instead, there are thoughts of you that fill my mind. Allez, oust! Get out of my mind. I want to sleep. To rest. To hope. To dream. I want to see a happy me. Maybe even with a happy you. I want to dance under the rain. Kiss you as if it’s true. I want to laugh. To run. To go wild. I want to hug you for a long time, until the end of time. I want to touch you. Feel you close to me. Sleep on your shoulder. I want to go to bed without making love and hug to sleep, because this is what perfection is all about: a relationship that is far from being physical. I want to hold your hand under the table when we’re out. I want to sneak away from everyone just to have a moment with you alone. I want to wake up to your voice. Sleep to your sweet dreams wishes. I want to surprise you with gifts and fill your life with sweet memories. I want to shout and argue with you. I want to fight over silly things. Cry. Scream. Cry again. Get mad. So mad. I want to break-up and make-up again. I want to hug you and whisper my feelings to your ears.

I want to whisper the exact words that my pillow whispers to my ears, every night, when I go to bed. Those sweet words. That forbidden feeling. Those sounds…That sound… The sound of missing you!

Here comes.... my Summer Nightmare!

Here comes the bride.
Here comes the groom.
And here comes my yearly summer nightmare!

3a2belik tante!
Yalla himmiya wlo!
Aymatan badna nifrah minnik?

Having got enough from all the wedding "cliches" and kilograms of "3a2belik" that I get at each and every wedding, I decided to attend a few of a long list of weddings this summer.

I have two piles of cards in my room, one of the weddings I will attend, and another that I will not (most of those being family ones, logically!).
Those who live in Lebanon probably would know why I'm running away from  the family weddings... All the fix-up, nosey questions, "where's your date" exclamations, "let me introduce you to my son"...

And just when I thought it was all that I could get, just when I thought the 2 kilos of "3a2belik" were really enough, my gramma (whom I really adore!) called me today:

- Teta, 3rifti min rah yitjawaz?
- Kheir! (Me all excited thinking it was one of my old friends in her neighborhood or something!)
- Ya teta jeboule el invitation. W 3ezminik inte kamein! Baddik trou7e eh?
- Kheir teta. Kheir... Min rah yitjawaz?
- Wlik ibin binit 3ammo la khayyo la ibin jiran 3amma la cousinit bayyik!
- huh?
- Ba3ref teta ba3ref! Inte aslan ma bta3irfiyoun! W hinne bya3irfouke zghire! Bass mousirrin tije 3al 3iris. Ou3a ma trou7i ya teta! Ana iltillo la Fouad (my dad) anno Maya lezim trou7... Hole wejbeit w ba3dein ma fiya shi, khalliyoun yshoufo el jameil killo!
- Teta merci. Bass anno mish fadye!
- Ou3a ya teta! Ana sirit bi ekhir 3omre w b7ebbik add el dine... Rou7e w lbise w dwikhiyoun, ok? Ou3a ma trou7e ya teta!

(Tout tout tout tout!)
A sudden line cut. I could swear it wasn't intentional to cut the silly conversation but I couldn't!
Once she called back, it was my father's turn to pick that phone up and explain slowly to his mother that I am not running any pageant competition and that this card goes right into the "not attending" wedding cards pile!

3a aseis ma bi2assina the "3a2belkoun" that we, singles, get at each wedding... We should now live with the "walk the wedding walkway" comments...

What's hidden for next summer?
 

I don’t want to become a Christian Lebanese!

Dear Lebanese,

All of you out there!

Today I want to share with you a story, my story.

I grew-up in a pretty reserved household. My parents (like most of yours) tried to teach me everything good.  They taught me to respect everyone no matter what his religion or skin color is, no matter what nationality he held or cultural background he had.

However, my parents (like most of yours) did not act according to their own lessons. I grew up between “Hana' misilmé bass gheir! Hiyyé mazbout sinniyé bass ahla gheir.” and a “ma byenwasa2 fiyoun hole! Kill el drouz ma byenwasa2 fiyoun!" (no need to mention we are Christians, I guess you readers figured that out by now!).

Then as years passed I started developing, with no control on it, a certain differentiation between social classes, skin colors, nationalities and religions… until I was around 16 or 17.  At that age and with the internet era starting to boom, me starting to grow up and choose my own reading of articles and books, developing friendships with different nationalities and religions, I started to think in a more civilized way (mich 3ayb el wahad yi3tirif… ballashit biwa'ta sir hadariyé!).

My friends circle turned from a 100% Christian/Lebanese one to a multi-nationalities/multi-religious ones. I even read the Kur’an and asked my Muslim friends about their religion in order not to offend them with my actions; I not only embraced having friends from a different belief than mine, I wanted to work on those friendships just like any other friendship I had and that includes respecting other religions as I respect my own.

Why am I telling you all this? Well let’s put it this way! It was hard to change. When you grow-up learning one thing and decide to change it when you reach maturity, it’s hard. And to reach a point where your original instinct is edited due to your conviction it is even harder.

Today, I know that even with a Civil War around the corner nothing will make me change my way of thinking or believing or behaving. Nothing will make me drop my friends no matter where they come from and what religion they belong to.

But I also know I want badly to still be able to hang out with them without fearing my life or theirs. I want to go down to Hamra Street for a drink on Friday night while keeping the cross around my neck. I want to go to Harrissa with my veiled girlfriend. I want to teach my children that Christianity is their belief, their religion, not their identity.

I want to live my Christianity as my belief, my religion… not my identity.

I don’t want to become a Christian Lebanese. I want to remain Lebanese. That's all!

Maya